Texts From Last Night: Pro Wrestling Style
by Ilse'sPurpleSummer
Summary: Well, since everyone else is doing it...
1. Chapter 1

To: Edge

From: Christian

Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in Kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.

To: Eve Torres

From: Kelly Kelly

It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school

To: Lita

From: Trish Stratus

About: Matt Hardy

Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother

To: Matt Hardy

From: Jeff Hardy (and Edge)

Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"

To: Shannon Moore

From: Jeff Hardy

Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.

To: Chris Jericho

From: Shane Helms

I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.

To: Natalya

From: Beth Phoenix

I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week

To: Kelly Kelly

From: Melina

He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why

To: Christian

From: Edge

Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.

To: John Cena

From: Randy Orton

in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.

To: Ken Anderson

From: Brian Kendrick

About: RVD

So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.

To: Twitter

From: Reby Sky

I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.

To: AJ Styles

From: James Storm

I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."

To: Randy Orton

From: Ted Dibiase (and Cody Rhodes)

We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...

To: Sting

From: Hulk Hogan

About: Dixie Carter

You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...

To: Angelina Love

From: Velvet Sky

I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.

To: CM Punk

From: Jeff Hardy

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

To: Evan Bourne

From: Randy Orton

I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.

To: Edge

From: Jeff Hardy

Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes

To: RVD

From: Ken Anderson

YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?

To: Jeff Hardy

From: Matt Hardy

And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?

To: Shane Helms

From: Matt Hardy

About: Shannon Moore

he ran through my sliding door

To:Matt Hardy

From: Shane Helms

in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers

To: Shane Helms

From: Chris Jericho

I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits

To: Edge

From: Christian

All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!

To: Randy Orton

From: John Cena

Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?

To: Heath Slater

From: Wade Barrett

About: Justin Gabriel

He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song

To: Jeff Hardy

From: CM Punk

It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now

To: Matt Hardy

From: Evan Bourne

...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.

To: Mickie James

From: Layla

About: The McTaker Wedding

random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them

To: Justin Gabriel

From: Alex Riley

About: Eli Cottonwood

Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob

To: Beth Phoenix

From: Natalya

Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.

To: HBK

From: HHH

I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1

To: Ted Dibiase

From: Cody Rhodes

No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.

To: Shannon Moore

From: Jeff Hardy

Oh dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago

To: Matt Hardy

From: Shane Helms

You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course you were a shit show

To: Justin Gabriel

From: Heath Slater

You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.

To: John Cena

From: Randy Orton

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.


	2. Chapter 2

To: Ken Anderson

From: RVD

Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps

To: Kelly Kelly

From: Melina

He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.

To: Jeff Hardy

From: Evan Bourne

I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit

To: CM Punk

From: Jeff Hardy

I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.

To: Ezikiel Jackson

From: Brian Kendrick

I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.

To: Kelly Kelly

From: Eve Torres

Listen to me plotting my whoredom.

To: Christian

From: Edge

After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.

To: Edge

From: Christian

Stop giving me tequila.

To: Randy Orton

From: John Cena

Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.

To: Shannon Moore

From: Shane Helms

Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE

To: Wade Barrett

From: Justin Gabriel

About: Daniel Bryan

He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way.

To: Mickie James

From: Layla

Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.

To: Twitter

From: Kelly Kelly

I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...

To: Twitter

From: Stephanie McMahon

I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.

To: Trish Stratus

From: Lita

About: Matt Hardy

I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again

To: Chris Jericho

From: Christian

If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.

To: Trish

From: Lita

I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother.

To: Eve

From: Kelly Kelly

OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?

To: Natalya

From: Beth Phoenix

It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night

To: Twitter

From: Jeff Hardy

i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party

To: Layla

From: Michelle McCool

I heard we made out

To: RVD

From: Brian Kendrick

I'm so fucking centered right now.

To: Heath Slater

From: Justin Gabriel

How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you?

To: CM Punk

From: Jeff Hardy

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

To: Cody Rhodes

From: Ted Dibiase

About: Randy Orton

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

To: Twitter

From: Kelly Kelly

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

To: Shannon Moore

From: Jeff Hardy

About: Edge

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

To: Christian

From: Edge

About: Jeff Hardy

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

To: Beth Phoenix

From: Kelly Kelly

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

To: John Morrison

From: The Miz

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

To: Randy Orton

From: Evan Bourne

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

To: Twitter

From: Chris Jericho

It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

To: CM Punk

From: Jeff Hardy

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

To: Justin Gabriel

From: Alex Riley

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

To: Christian

From: Chris Jericho

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

To: Twitter

From: RVD

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

To: Natalya

From: Melina

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..


	3. Chapter 3

To: Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes

From: Randy Orton

i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.

To: Reby Sky

From: Matt Hardy

Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place

To: Jeff Hardy

From: Edge

I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(

To: Ted Dibiase

From: Cody Rhodes

no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom

To: John Cena

From: Randy Orton

Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.

To: RVD

From: Ken Anderson

Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.

To: Trish Stratus

From: Lita

I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.

To: Jeff Hardy

From: Ted Dibiase

I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you

To: Ted Dibiase

From: Jeff Hardy

I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.

To: Natalya

From: Beth Phoenix

About: Kelly Kelly

That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.

To: Jeff Hardy

From: Matt Hardy

I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.

To: Melina

From: Kelly Kelly

About: Randy Orton

I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself

To: HBK

From: HHH

stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us

To: Colt Cabana

From: CM Punk

Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?

To: Randy Orton and Cody Rhodes

From: Ted Dibiase

I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE

To: Randy Orton

From: John Cena

KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.

To: Edge

From: Jeff Hardy

I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..

To: Daniel Bryan

From: CM Punk

About: AJ

She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.

To: RVD

From: Eric Young

Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.

To: Kelly Kelly

From: Maryse

He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.

To: Shane Helms

From: Matt Hardy

I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.

To: Edge

From: Jeff Hardy

I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night... When you pushed me through that glass table.

To: AJ Styles

From: Frankie Kazarian

He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"

To: the Miz

From: John Morrison

Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."

To: Mickie James

From: Madison Rayne

Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.

To: Shane Helms

From: Shannon Moore

I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.

To: Twitter

From: Eve Torres

All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."

To: Bobby Roode

From: James Storm

dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees

To: Velvet Sky

From: Eric Young

About: ODB

She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now

To: Jeff Hardy

From: Edge

Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?

To: Beth Phoenix

From: Natalya

I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."

To: Ted Dibiase

From: Cody Rhodes

apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work

To: Colt Cabana

From: CM Punk

I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.

To: Kaitlyn

From: AJ

She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there

To: Matt Hardy

From: Jeff Hardy

He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.

To: Chris Jericho

From: Christian

where are you?

To: Chris Jericho

From: Christian

talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick

To: Jeff Hardy

From: Shannon Moore

You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.

To: Evan Bourne

From: Randy Orton

I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again


	4. Chapter 4

To: Shannon Moore

From: Jeff Hardy

Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.

To: John Morrison

From: Melina

And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.

To: Brian Kendrick

From: RVD

ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore

To: Edge

From: Christian

it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body

To:Christian

From:Edge

I wish I could understand how you function in society

To: Kaitlyn

From: AJ

the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic

To: Matt Hardy

From: Jeff Hardy

Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.

To: Edge

From: Matt Hardy

About: Jeff Hardy

I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.

To: Matt Hardy

From: Edge

I want to have sex with him.

To: Kane

From: the Undertaker

Oh dude. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.

To: Kofi Kingston

From: Evan Bourne

Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.

To: John Cena

From: Randy Orton

About: Teddy Dibiase

It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses

To: Shane Helms

From: Jeff Hardy

About: Edge

No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple

To: Christian

From: Chris Jericho

So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl

To: Randy Orton

From: John Cena

I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.

To: Kelly Kelly

From: Eve Torres

The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting

To: Twitter

From: John Cena

I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.

To: HBK

From: HHH

About: Batista

when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight

To: AJ

From: Kaitlyn

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

To: Kaitlyn

From: AJ

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

To: Twitter

From: Zack Ryder

Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.

To: Beth Phoenix

From: Natalya

we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.

To: Colt Cabana

From: CM Punk

You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."

To: Angelina Love

From: Velvet Sky

He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.

To: the Miz

From: Kelly Kelly

No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die

To: Christian

From: Edge

Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone (this text made me literally snort water up my nose! I couldn't believe I found it just like this!)

To: Chris Jericho

From: Shane Helms

NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!

To: Robbie E

From: Eric Young

About: Eric Bischoff

Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.

To: Teddy Dibiase

From: Cody Rhodes

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.

To: Kelly Kelly

From: Melina

Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't even happened yet.

To: Matt Hardy

From: Jeff Hardy

don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties

To: John Cena

From: CM Punk

About: AJ

I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.

To: Jeff Hardy

From: Shannon Moore

I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me

To: John Morrison

From: the Miz

My addiction to golf is getting out of hand...I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.

To: Natalya

From: Beth Phoenix

I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.

To: Eve Torres

From: Melina

If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.

To: John Cena

From: Zack Ryder

About: Randy Orton

Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere


	5. Chapter 5

To: Shannon Moore

From: Jeff Hardy

I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.

To: Matt Hardy

From: Shane Helms

This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...

To: Cody Rhodes

From: Ted Dibiase

I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"

To: AJ Styles

From: Jeff Hardy

About: James Storm

He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"

To: Jeff Hardy

From: AJ Styles

this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!

To: Bobby Roode

From: James Storm

You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers

To: John Cena

From: Randy Orton

You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.

To: Colt Cabana

From: CM Punk

Bryan got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.

To: Twitter

From: Eve Torres

I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.

To: Matt Hardy

From: Jeff Hardy

My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.

To: Melina

From: Kelly Kelly

About: Randy Orton

he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns

To: Kofi Kingston

From: CM Punk

About: AJ Lee

While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects

To: Everyone in his phone

From: Randy Orton

Bang-toberfest begins!

To: Jeff Hardy

From: RVD

I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.

To: CM Punk

From: AJ Lee

About: Colt Cabana

He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.

To: Christian

From: Edge

Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.

To: Twitter

From: Matt Hardy

I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.

To: Natalya

From: Kaitlyn

Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.

To: Heath Slater

From: Wade Barrett

About: Kelly Kelly and Justin Gabriel

Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult

To: Edge

From: Jeff Hardy

I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself

To: Jeff Hardy

From: CM Punk

Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center

To: Natalya

From: Beth Phoenix

I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...

To: CM Punk

From: Colt Cabana

Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...

To: Edge

From: Christian

About: Chris Jericho

No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist

To: AJ Lee

From: Kaitlyn

Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...

To: Shane Helms

From: Jeff Hardy

We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.

To: Kofi Kingston

From: Layla

I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.

To: Daniel Bryan

From: Austin Aries

Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang

To: Sheamus

From: John Cena

you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.

To: AJ Lee

From: Kaitlyn

One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...

To: Kaitlyn

From: AJ Lee

And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.


End file.
